Stream of Conscious
by Chaotic Serenity
Summary: Written in the same format as the title, a fic focusing on the intertwining thoughts of the Seiryuu twins on the most pivotal moment of their brotherhood. Mild spoilers for series.


_Author's Notes:  _The intertwining thoughts of two Seiryuu seishi on an occasion of climatic change in their lives.  As a side note, I haven't seen the episodes in which Amiboshi and Suboshi meet up again while the former is under the impression of being a young man named Kaika, so it may seem a little different.

**Warnings:  **Angst and mild spoilers for Amiboshi and Suboshi.

**Archive:  **Go ahead, just ask.

Obligatory Disclaimer:  If I owned Fushigi Yuugi, I'd be animating this story and not writing it, neh?  Amiboshi, Suboshi, and all other named characters don't belong to me.  They all belong to the wonderful Yuu Watase and her creative mind.

Stream of Conscious 

         _I see darkness all around.  Encompassing, suffocating blackness that I cannot escape.  I can taste its taint in my mouth; I can hear it rushing past my ears. It's filling me, consuming me, taking away everything I've ever had and hope to be.   I open my mouth to scream, yet nobody calls.  _

_Why can't anyone here my screams?_

_But He's here, I know.  I can feel Him holding me close, listen to him whispering sweet nothings in my ear.  He's telling me everything will be all right; everything's perfectly fine.  Ironic, says the idle thought, that in our weakest moment, it is He who is holding me and not as it had been before._

_I feel weak, and my vision's lessening.  All I could see was darkness before, but now it's…nothing.  How does one explain nothing?  It's not the same as blackness, yet like the overwhelming gloom of before, there is no hope for escape._

_Yet  there is a light.  A single, solitary ray of sanguinity.  He is the light, guiding me, holding me in these final hours.  I can't reach Him, but I don't have to.  He's already here.  Here, where He belongs.  Where We belong.  Us, the two of Us.  Together.  Isn't that like it's supposed to be?  I'm not even strong enough to touch the light, but He's here to help me._

_But now He's leaving.  Again._

_Why?  Why must we be separated again?_

_I cry out, trying to grasp His fingers though my own are broken and useless.  I've come so far to find Him; I can't let him go again.  I cry His name again and again, yet He doesn't respond._

_Why?  Why does He wish to leave me?_

_"I'm sorry Aniki, but I love Yui-sama."_

_Is that why He's going away?  Letting the blackness overtake me?  Destroy me?_

_All that We are, and now We are useless.  Was it really worth it?_

_Shun-chan…Where are you going?_

_Faded.  Everything is faded.  Just like me, faded and worn, slowly slipping away.  Away from Aniki.  Away from home.  Away from the last chance to be everything we were before._

_Forgive me.  It breaks my heart to leave you, but it would break me even more to have to fight you.  I don't want to fight you; I want to love you, and if you can't fight…_

_Oh Aniki, why did this happen?  Why is everything we ever were and would have been so easily taken from us?  Tell me Aniki; you always had all the answers.  So why can't you answer the question that causes the greatest conflict of my heart?_

_Where's your answer?  Are you listening?_

_Or can you even hear me anymore?  Are you gone, taken by the darkness?_

_Maybe._

_I hope so._

_In the darkness, you'll see, that's where happiness is.  You may not see it now, but eventually you will.  You **will **see, I promise you.  Eventually it'll become clearer.  In time._

_I'll just go far, far away, and then we won't have to deal with the war anymore.  You see Aniki, you don't have to fight the battles for me anymore._

_So just lay back, Aniki.  Don't worry about me.  Go to sleep and forget._

_Let me fight the battle for you.  And then everything will be okay._

_Oh Aniki….I'm so sorry._

_The darkness is almost gone now, but the light seems all the more painful.  I almost want to be blind again…_

_I don't know where I am or why.  There are flashes of light and sounds, the movements of people I know, yet do not.  Where is the One I love most of all?_

_Seiryuu…save me…if this agony is the release from darkness, then blind me once more._

Is someone playing my flute to calm me?  I can hear a melody.  But it's hollow and unclear.  Like a memory.  Yes, a memory.

_Where are my memories?_

_Where is the One I love?_

_Why did He do this?_

How long has it been since we last spoke?  A day, no more?  I already miss the reedy tune of his flute echoing in my years on those nights we rested in the gardens and watched our constellations twinkle in the night sky.  Like I'm doing now, looking above and watching our stars twinkle near one another's.

We're so close, yet so far.  His star glimmers once.  Twice.  Shining brightly in the night, almost as if he's only grown stronger.  I turn to my star and hold back the tears as I watch.  Mine seems dimmer than before, faded.

I feel like crying, but I won't.  Aniki would want me to be strong.  I have to be strong.  For him.  Because he's no longer here, and he never will come back.  The first time I lost him I died.  When I found him I was reborn.  Now I am dead and reborn once more.  No longer am I Bu Shunkaku, younger twin of Bu Kotoku, but Suboshi, warrior of Seiryuu, and murderer of Amiboshi, other warrior of Seiryuu.

Yes, murderer, for I have destroyed all that Amiboshi ever was and stood for.

Kaika, that's him name now.

I hate that name.

There are so many other names to choose from.  I would even be satisfied in Amiboshi at the least, but Kaika?  I curse the day my brother was swallowed by the river and those people found him. 

 I curse the day I lost the other part of me.

The light's dimmer now, and I can finally see clearer.  The people I accept as "Mom" and "Dad" have left me alone to reflect on what's happened.  I'm not exactly sure exactly what has happened.  There are still flashes of light, and I feel as though I'm burning.  But there aren't any memories.

I hear a voice and catch a glimpse of Him, but He remains ever elusive.  A flash of eyes that reflect my own, and then the vision is erased.  I can feel everything slowly slip away, being replaced by that awful darkness.  And I feel like crying.

I don't know where I am.  I don't know where to call home.

I am a stranger, yet this is the place I belong.  Or so they tell me.

Who is He who haunts me in these last final moments of barest memory?  I want to know before I forget.  Want to touch His face and hold Him, kiss His cheek and tell Him everything's perfectly fine even as my own world is being shattered.  Because I know His world is shattering too, right now.

I seek comfort and warmth from this frozen hell I'm trapped in.  Trapped in here, losing the final pieces of what was and gaining what is now.

I need a hand to wrap around my own as my mind succumbs to darkness.  I want to gaze into vibrant eyes that reflect my own before it becomes only a mirror reflection.

I wish for peace of mind and serenity for Our souls.

I wish…

I want…

I want to hear my brother's flute again.  I want to call him by name once more and hear him respond in the like.  I want to stand by his side as a Seiryuu seishi as we summoned our god.  I want to be with him for all time and make sure he's happy.  I want to know that everything was all right in the end and that our struggle had not gone to waste.

I want to see him smile again.

I want this darkness to disappear and the sun to rise so I know longer can gaze at the promises of stars.

I want…

I want to believe that this darkness…

…isn't the end of everything…

…we shared.  I want tomorrow…

…to be brighter than today…

…that the sun is shining and this darkness…

…will finally disappear…

…and I can finally see again…

I want to believe.  I want to live.  I want to know that every living, breathing moment that you are by my side, watching me, waiting for me wherever you may be.  I want to see your eyes reflecting in the glint of the dawning sun.  I want to stand opposite of you when Fate's pendulum strikes the final hour.

Forgive me…for all I've had to do…my brother.  I…love…you.

**Final Notes and Words from the Author:**

         When I first watched the episodes that introduced Suboshi and Amiboshi, I was both shocked and touched by the level of pure devotion and love the two had for each other.  Their relationship is intriguing.  Though both are the same age, Amiboshi shows an obviously much higher level in maturity and understanding than Suboshi, whose highly emotional and impulsive behavior reminds me more of a much younger sibling.  It's quite obvious that because of a strenuous different in their personalities that Amiboshi had to become somewhat of a protector and, actually, guardian for Suboshi.

         Of course, as soon as one begins watching these episodes, one will realize that the two of them are eventually going to be split up for the sheer purpose of plot movement.  So it came to me as no big surprise when Amiboshi "drowned" in the river.  What I wasn't prepared for was the influx of reactions that resulted from this situation.  From the deaths of Tamahome's family to the discovery of Kaika to the death of Tomo to the finally, climatic moment in which Suboshi transmits the mind altering soup to his brother, the interactions of the twins and their responses to environmental stimulus become pivotal plot elements that had both major and minor effects on both the story in general and other characters.  Fate changed because of these two seishi.

         So it was inevitable that I would eventually write a story about them.  :-p  Don't worry.  You won't be seeing Suboshi and Amiboshi fics popping up all over the place because of me.  In fact, this will probably be the only fic in which they are featured for quite awhile.  You can expect, however, some Nakago, Miboshi, Soi, and Tomo soon.  ^_~

         One the capitalization of references to Suboshi:  The capitalized and pronounced forms of "Him" or "He" for whenever Amiboshi is thinking about Suboshi are a symbolic reflection of all that's occurred.  Suboshi has become almost like a god to Amiboshi; he has taken his brother's fate into his hands and changed it and has given Amiboshi no voice in his decision to do so.  This is reflective of how a god may handle things, so Amiboshi comes to compare the two.  Also, due to his slowly disintegrating memory, Amiboshi is clinging to whatever he can before he lapses into the final stages of the memory loss drug, and because it is part of something he will never be able to regain, flashes of past people become almost reverenced to him.  Get it?  ^)^

         I hope you enjoyed it, and do review if you're apt!  Productive reviews are just as helpful as positive feedback!

         Thank you for reading!


End file.
